


Should I?

by naturallesbain



Series: 100 Followers Celebration! [9]
Category: The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, Johnny doesn't show up but hes talked about, Reassuring touches because these boys need them the most
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27515464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naturallesbain/pseuds/naturallesbain
Summary: "I can't keep this up forever with Ponyboy for the 100 followers challenge. Could you make Ponyboy have anxiety in this please? Hurt to comfort."-AnonI'm finally writing again! I recently hurt my finger pretty bad and it's been hard to type so I'm probably gonna make this as short as possible depending on the pain levels.
Series: 100 Followers Celebration! [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970545
Kudos: 18





	Should I?

I watched as the somber day sky turned into the dark and fearful night, the stars glistening off the frozen snow that fell just a few days earlier. I looked down at the street, the height of my old room gave me more chances to draw from different angles. 

I didn't know the time, though I knew it had to still be early, the sun setting earlier and earlier every day now that it's winter. I couldn't what time it was any more just by looking at the sky, but I bet Johnny could, I should ask him. 

I had been upstairs for the past hour or so, drawing the setting sun until the sun couldn't be seen and the glistening of the ice off the buds of the tree outside couldn't be reflected anymore. I had been feeling like somethings off these last few days, the sensation clawing at my chest and making my heart rate rise, the dull thumping in my ears, and the swooping sensation in my stomach making me feel too sick to run. 

I think Johnny has noticed my symptoms, says it's something like anxiety and says that it's okay, that he deals with it, too. 

Except it isn't, not really.

I can't just tell my brothers this, they'll think my crazy or something. I already worry them too much and if I tell them, Soda will demand that I move back downstairs so that he can keep an eye on me. 

I just want to be left alone. 

I feel disgusting in my own skin, the way that I look in the mirror looking distorted but reasonable. 

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard a gruff voice yell from downstairs, the smell of food -chicken, and potatoes- seeming to appear out of nowhere as I made my way down the steep steps, the old wood creaking under me, grabbing the handrail so I don't fall. 

I heard the giggles of Soda as he was pushed out of the kitchen, food dye staining his hands as he gave Darry a great big show-stopping smile. 

"Hey, kiddo," Soda greeted as he went over to ruffle my hair. I slapped his hand out of the way, ducking as I did so, which was harder to do since I was on the last step and taller than him. 

"Cut it out would ya?" I smiled back; it felt forced. 

"Yeah yeah. Hey, ya need to set the table since Darry won't lemme back in the kitchen," Soda said while heading to the bathroom, his soft footsteps paled in comparison to his giddy and loud laughter.

"Okay," I replied simply. 

I felt like a thousand bricks were laying on my shoulders as I trudged my way to the kitchen, feet dragging themselves across the floor. 

I sneaked in behind Darry, tapping his shoulder once to let him know that I was behind him and that to not turn around with anything hot. That happened once and I still have the scar on my arm. 

"Hey, little buddy," Darry said while stirring the potatoes.

"Hey," I replied. I wasn't doing much talking these days, and Darry seems to notice but doesn't say anything. 

I quickly grabbed three plates and three pairs of utensils, snagging the placemat to place it in the center of the table so we don't ruin the wood of our table. 

I quickly set everything in its place on the table, feeling Soda come from behind me and place his hand on my shoulder before continuing to sit down to the left of me. 

We always place our hands on someone's shoulders if they don't know we're there, it's something we adopted after the stabbing and Windrixville. Everyone in the gang does it, especially me and Johny. 

Darry came out of the kitchen with the chicken in his hands, steam rising from it. 

"Dig in guys, I just gotta take a phone call," Darry said while leaving to go to the phone.

"Hey Ponyboy, you okay? You've been acting funny these past few days," Soda said quietly, Darry's chatter drowning out any knows that could reach him. 

"I'm fine, just been feeling a little off, that's all," I said while grabbing a spoonful of potatoes, hoping the action would distract him so he could get some.

"Everyones noticed, Pone. It ain't just you feelin' off," Soda said while looking towards Darry's voice.

"I'm fine," I insisted.

"Just tell us," Soda kept insisting.

"Hey y'all, ya dig in yet?" Darry said as he walked in.

It all felt like too much, the pounding of Darry's feet, Soda's insistence, I felt like I was going insane. 

"Just stop!" I yelled out. I covered my ears, my heart beating too fast, my breaths coming out in pants. 

"Ponyboy what's going on?" Darry said, rushing over to my side. 

I flinched as he raised a hand to touch me. I know that he was trying to comfort me, but everything felt not-real, like a morning fog.

Darry pulled his hand back quickly, it was either in fear in the fact that he might hurt me, or he was scared that I didn't trust him, even though I do. 

"Ponyboy, what's going on," Soda asked quietly. 

"I don't know!" I shouted. I felt my heart rate quicken, my senses were at a full blast right now and I don't know how to calm down, " **I can't keep this up forever,** " I said quieter. 

"Ponyboy please tell us what's wrong," Darry pleaded.

I let myself calm down for a minute, steadying my breathing as I kept my hands over my eyes, heels digging into my eyes as I let myself focus on the sounds.

"Johnny," I swallowed, throat suddenly feeling dry, "Johnny says its anxiety or something."

"Oh," was all Darry could say as he backed away slowly. I felt panic rise in my chest again; he thinks I'm a freak. He must've sensed my dismay since he stopped moving.

"Ain't nothin' wrong with that, just means we gotta get you checked out, see how to help ya," Soda said quietly.

"What? No!" I said with urgency. I didn't want anyone else to know about this. 

"Ponyboy it's okay, we just gotta see what we can do for ya and if there's anything we should be doing differently," Darry said soothingly, getting up and hugging me. I buried my head in his chest, letting the smell of wood and mint calm me as I felt Soda hug me too. 

"It's okay Ponyboy, nothin to be scared of," Soda said calmly, breath tickling my ear.

I nodded, which seem to be an okay sign for them since they stopped feeling so tense. 

It's gonna be okay, it has to be. 


End file.
